I’ve just finished reading Kathi Lipp’s new book I Need Some Help Here. I had the privilege
of contributing a “Story from the Trenches” in the chapter entitled…gulp…”When
My Child is Lacking Character.” (If you’d like a front row seat to what happens
in our vehicle during our 15 minute commute to and from school, you can buy the book by clicking HERE).
of contributing a “Story from the Trenches” in the chapter entitled…gulp…”When
My Child is Lacking Character.” (If you’d like a front row seat to what happens
in our vehicle during our 15 minute commute to and from school, you can buy the book by clicking HERE).
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| Need Some Help? |
She’s addressed many tough parenting topics, most of
which she’s slogged through first-hand.
which she’s slogged through first-hand.
But one particular little nugget keeps resonating
with me.
with me.
Doing nothing.
It’s really counter intuitive in a culture that
produces infinite pins, tweets, blogs, and posts. They all tell us how to do
things: throw a party, bake a radical birthday cake, eat clean, cook healthier,
exercise efficiently, pray scripturally, volunteer, donate, not to mention that
2,961 other things we must do “daily.”
produces infinite pins, tweets, blogs, and posts. They all tell us how to do
things: throw a party, bake a radical birthday cake, eat clean, cook healthier,
exercise efficiently, pray scripturally, volunteer, donate, not to mention that
2,961 other things we must do “daily.”
I’ve done or tried to do all of the above, and there
is value in all of them. The truth is,
I really like taking action. I like measurable results and crossing things off
my list.
is value in all of them. The truth is,
I really like taking action. I like measurable results and crossing things off
my list.
But when it comes to mothering there are some occasions
where I’m realizing the best thing to do is…nothing.
where I’m realizing the best thing to do is…nothing.
·
When the boys forget the essentials for their
activities–baseball glove, football pads, basketball shoes (for an out-of-town
tournament!! Grrr!), I want to ask around and borrow a glove, drive home and
get the pads, or go buy a new pair of basketball shoes.
When the boys forget the essentials for their
activities–baseball glove, football pads, basketball shoes (for an out-of-town
tournament!! Grrr!), I want to ask around and borrow a glove, drive home and
get the pads, or go buy a new pair of basketball shoes.
·
When my wannabe-Buck-Commander needs $50
extra to buy the online-special-this-weekend-only bow that he’s been saving
for, I want to put it on my card and Instagram his beaming smile.
When my wannabe-Buck-Commander needs $50
extra to buy the online-special-this-weekend-only bow that he’s been saving
for, I want to put it on my card and Instagram his beaming smile.
·
When they try to draw me into an
argument over rules and decisions, I want to take the bait, reason with them
and think to myself, “Surely a tired child will understand if I just explain
myself a little louder.”
When they try to draw me into an
argument over rules and decisions, I want to take the bait, reason with them
and think to myself, “Surely a tired child will understand if I just explain
myself a little louder.”
“But when you rescue your kids, it’s like taking
pain meds after you’ve broken your arm. You feel better for a while, but not
only are you not fixing the problem, you’re probably making it worse.” (~ Kathi
Lipp, pg. 84)
pain meds after you’ve broken your arm. You feel better for a while, but not
only are you not fixing the problem, you’re probably making it worse.” (~ Kathi
Lipp, pg. 84)
What makes it even harder to do nothing is that “No
one is giving blue ribbons to the mom who is biting her tongue. But know that
every time you “don’t,” you are doing the deep, hard, God-breathed stuff that
is growing you and your kids.” (pg. 71)
one is giving blue ribbons to the mom who is biting her tongue. But know that
every time you “don’t,” you are doing the deep, hard, God-breathed stuff that
is growing you and your kids.” (pg. 71)
And that is the secret to why I’ll keep doing nothing.
Shhh…I’m actually doing something.
Shhh…I’m actually doing something.
·
When I make my boys ask around to borrow
a glove, when they sit sidelined without pads, when they play basketball in
their very non-basketball sneakers, I do nothing. Still, they are learning.
Learning to plan ahead, get organized and be responsible.
When I make my boys ask around to borrow
a glove, when they sit sidelined without pads, when they play basketball in
their very non-basketball sneakers, I do nothing. Still, they are learning.
Learning to plan ahead, get organized and be responsible.
·
When I allow the $50 burden of debt to
rest on him, I do nothing. He counts the days of chores until his debt will be
paid. And it seems like he will “never get there.” He is learning that the
borrower is a slave to the lender, and chores are even less fun when your pay goes directly to your creditor.
When I allow the $50 burden of debt to
rest on him, I do nothing. He counts the days of chores until his debt will be
paid. And it seems like he will “never get there.” He is learning that the
borrower is a slave to the lender, and chores are even less fun when your pay goes directly to your creditor.
·
When I have explained myself once and, by
some miracle of God, I actually refrain from arguing, I do nothing. Still, they
learn that I mean what I say. “No,” means “no,” despite your elaborate
monologue.
When I have explained myself once and, by
some miracle of God, I actually refrain from arguing, I do nothing. Still, they
learn that I mean what I say. “No,” means “no,” despite your elaborate
monologue.
Beyond these lessons, I
hope the boys are learning something more profound: moms can solve precious few
of life’s problems. Kathi says it like this: “Understand that moms make lousy
shelters. When it comes to shelters, we are like cardboard refrigerator boxes.
Yes, we can provide some safety. Yes, we can make a good short-term hiding
place, but we’re pretty flimsy and totally unresistant to the weather when storms
come. We need to keep pointing our kids to our Strong Tower [God], the only
True Shelter that any of us ever has. Yep—that means leaving them out in the cold
sometimes so they will seek a more Permanent Shelter.” (pg. 85)
hope the boys are learning something more profound: moms can solve precious few
of life’s problems. Kathi says it like this: “Understand that moms make lousy
shelters. When it comes to shelters, we are like cardboard refrigerator boxes.
Yes, we can provide some safety. Yes, we can make a good short-term hiding
place, but we’re pretty flimsy and totally unresistant to the weather when storms
come. We need to keep pointing our kids to our Strong Tower [God], the only
True Shelter that any of us ever has. Yep—that means leaving them out in the cold
sometimes so they will seek a more Permanent Shelter.” (pg. 85)
I pray my “do nothing”
approach will eventually lead them to seek shelter in Jesus—the Only One who
can truly rescue any of us.
approach will eventually lead them to seek shelter in Jesus—the Only One who
can truly rescue any of us.
Photo courtesy Kim de Blecourt
I just read this particular part earlier today. It is so hard to do nothing, but I agree that it really does teach some valuable lessons!
It IS hard! I'm not very good at it. About the time they're all grown up, I'll have it almost figured out 🙂
I am getting better at this hands-off approach – it's hard to let your children "fail" but sometimes failure is the most important step to success. I agree – by the time my last 2 are grown up, I'll "almost" have it all figured out! LOL
It is hard. But I guess practice makes…progress 🙂
this is truth, I've done this often. i don't run and rescue, and my girls they find it hard that my love doesn't involve correcting their forgetfulness or give them everything they want. because seriously does God do that for us? Were already such an entitled-thinking culture. It will make them better, it forces them to think for themselves and become more responsible human beings. i love this thank you for sharing
"It forces them to think for themselves…" I totally agree. And the more times I don't rescue, the more often they check themselves for football pads, (check!) water bottle (check!), ball glove (check!), lunch…and on and on and on 🙂